Wanting The exit
by Atheniandream
Summary: The final straw...and not just for 'them'...


Title: Wanting-The exit  
Author: atheniandream/Jawbreakerchick/Paisleychick, my alter egos :)  
Email: atheniandream@aol.com  
Content Warnings: Character death, major angst, romance, hurt/com, you know that old biscuit.  
Pairings: S/J S/J S/J   
Spoilers: None, just those in my head.  
Season: SIX before Daniel comes back (no mention of him thought, sorry!)  
Rating: NC-17-R maybe Sexual content in it :)  
Summary: The final straw...and not just for 'them'...  
Author's notes: Trying to get back into my style...for Laura who thinks that I've recently lost it :)  
I kind of agree.... HEHEHE  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of   
Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA,  
Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for   
entertainment purposes only and no money  
exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original   
characters, situations, and story are the property  
of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the   
consent of the author.  
  
{}= Indication of flashbacks, past memory.  
  
Wanting-The Exit. For Laura...You know who you are...  
  
The once alerting beep resonated deftly through her ears. She didn't care.   
She had nothing to hear for. But, it didn't stop the sound.  
  
"Carter it's me. I uh thought about it...and I need you, Sam."  
  
NEED.   
A powerful word, a requirement for something drawn by a desire so acute,   
So intimate and yet shaped by a simplicity, indescribable.  
  
"I love you,"  
  
LOVE.  
Meanings at each end of the scale. Warm affection and fondness?   
Or Sexual affection, passion and desire?  
Completely different, but both leading to the inevitable,  
  
"I want you."  
  
WANT.  
A desire for something. A necessity for completion, success and happiness.  
  
"Wait. Stay there, I'm coming over."  
"No. You're not." She erased the message on her answer phone, as well as the tear, which retreated,   
behind her pearlesant eyes.   
"I'm sorry Jack."  
  
'If everyone got what they wanted, Greed would control the world...  
But, not every desire for something ends that way.  
Some die before they get the chance to possess it.'  
  
36 hours earlier.   
  
"Carter?"  
  
A Hand rose to claim another, tugging at it in limp attempt.  
"I have to go."  
  
The hand pulled away, letting the remaining body move with it as an arm fumbled around for a piece   
of clothing. The task at hand got shot down dead; and the arm was returned to object of his embrace.  
"No you don't."  
  
"Jack?"   
  
"Sam?" He looked at her like a teacher who'd just caught a child with its hand in the cookie jar.   
The 'Child' responded differently.  
  
"I NEED to go, I have a meeting." She pulled out of his grasp finally, ignoring his stare.  
  
"So do I," He relied, frankly and calmly.  
"Yea? Well I NEED to be there." She tried once again out of his grasp.  
  
"Carter, what's wrong." Sitting up, his eyes tried to meet hers.  
She turned. Looking at him for the first time since they'd awoken.   
  
"Nothing." A 'hiding' smile. "I'm going to take a shower."  
  
  
Turning on the shower, she let the initial chill of cold water run down her face, reaching for the soap...  
Wrong.  
This is wrong. Stupid.  
Juvenile. Irrational.   
The product of puppy love and lust,  
  
{"I......I didn't leave, because I would have rather died, than lose Carter." "Why?" "Because I care   
about her, a lot more than I'm supposed to."}  
  
We shouldn't be doing this.  
  
{"CARTER! YOU'RE IN WITHDRAWL!" Admittance. "OH, I'M IN WITHDRAWL!?" Denial. "Yes, so am I."   
Acceptance.}  
  
What am I doing? I'm screwing with him. Us.   
  
{"What are we, Colonel?" "I could ask the same thing, Major."}  
  
I'm screwing with us, I'm screwing with us, I'm screwing with-  
"Sam?"  
The second chill wasn't from the water hitting her face.  
"What?" His expression floored her for a second. Alert and weary of her actions. She took the towel   
from his hand and passed him as quickly as she could. What could she say?  
  
He followed her to the bedroom. He didn't understand. And frankly, he didn't care. Something in his   
mind wanted something remote and untouchable in hers.  
"Carter...what's up with you?"  
She ignored his question, and continued to find her scattered clothes that paired on his bedroom   
carpet. Was it just her mind, or did her clothes jump into her hands, wanting to leave so soon?  
Even wanting to leave her own home, just to get away from him.  
"Sam," Rubbing his hands over his face, he contemplated touching her for a second.  
But touching would be believing and denial was the sweeter option...  
"What."  
"Have I done something wrong?" his swam through hers for a moment, distant and pleasantly   
hazed. Had she been in a good mood, she would have noticed how the sky gently lifted the grayness   
in his hair and turned it golden.  
She stood, now fully clothed. A bag in one hand, her keys in another.  
Was there an answer?  
"No more than I have, Colonel. I gotta go."  
Her reply left him standing as she left. The pain lingered for a moment.  
"Colonel," He mumbled.  
  
Regret-feel sorry for loss of; wish one could have again...  
  
"And uh, after the tests were finalized, we came to the analysis, that the population of Nebruda had   
been wiped out by the set of severe climatic changes which had taken place."  
She was quite relieved that he hadn't asked any questions.   
He certainly hadn't come to her office before the briefing, and right now, having Teal'c, Jonas and   
Hammond in the same room seemed to take the edge off of the situation.  
"Very good Major. Colonel, anything to add?" At the finishing of Carter's report, The General searched   
for his 2IC's attention, which had fixed itself between the briefing table and the middle of Jonas' shirt,   
which could be seen opposite.  
"What? No Sir. Carter's pretty much covered it." his gazed lifted briefly at her and then acknowledging   
the General.  
"Good, Sg-1, you're on stand-by until tomorrow, briefing at 0900. Dismissed."  
No one pretended not to notice the reactive dysfunction between The Colonel and Major Carter. How   
could.   
Everyone on he entire base not know when they were sleeping together, when they first loved each   
other, and even when they were fighting?  
It served as a marker between them. Energy, a light glowing in it vague intensity around them and   
everyone knew.   
One look, and the whole base were aware.  
The only ones not aware were the two souls right in the middle of it.  
Them.  
Chemical attraction serves as an addiction.  
A deadly lucid and vengeful addiction.  
"Major Carter, Will you join both Jonas Quinn, O'Neill and myself in the commissary for lunch?"   
Teal'c looked at her sincerely. It was at those times, that she valued his way with her, as a person   
and colleague, a friend and a woman.  
It brought true warmth to the smile she gave him.  
"No, thank you Teal'c. I've got some work to do. But If I finish, I'll know where to find you."   
He settled with her quiet excuse. The warmth in her eyes soothed him, and as she walked away,   
Jack stood beside him.  
"Something is troubling you O'Neill."  
A statement true enough, he thought.  
"Nah, I'm fine Teal'c." Quietly fobbing him off with a flick of his wrist he followed.  
  
  
She sat in her quarters; the dim light shadowed the cozy interior. Twiddling a pebble in her hands,   
grey and smooth against the palm of her hand.  
  
{"Jack? It's a...pebble." "I know THAT. I found it. If you hold it up to the sunlight, it shines green and   
purple, see?" "You got me a pebble?" "Well, ya know, if you don't' want it, I could always give it to   
teal-" "I love it! Thank you," "I'm glad. So, Do I get a reward?"}  
  
Still hazed in memory, she lifted the small stone to lamp next to her.  
Purple wrapped around greens. At least that hadn't changed.  
It was still the same old pebble.  
Like her.  
Standard, and secluded.   
Perfect.  
"What have I done?" She turned to see him rash, and wild.  
His hair, slightly wild and his eyes wide and screaming.  
His presence wasn't even felt, too shocked to lash out in defense.  
"Nothing."  
Now, he grew impatient with her avoidance of his question.  
"Stop fucking with me, Sam." His footsteps met her at her bed.  
"Likewise."  
"What?"   
"Nothing."  
He sighed, the last breath he had.  
"No. Not nothing, explain."  
"We shouldn't be doing this. It's wrong." she couldn't help but walk away from him. His gaze   
made her do things that were wrong.  
Not allowed.  
Wrong.  
He couldn't argue with the statement. Yet his heart wouldn't hear what his head was telling him.  
"And that's why?" The anger scared her. Seldom had he gotten angry with anyone. But if he did,   
it wasn't a good thing.  
And that snapped her inside.  
"What do you expect me to say? Huh? That I can't think of why it's not working! I don't like that I have   
to lie to everyone, even though everyone already suspects. I can't go on not being with you all the   
time, and that I'm scared that if I let myself love you. That. That will mean I have to leave a job that I   
love just to be with you, which I'm not ready to do. I'm scared that I'm in love with you, and that I   
don't even know it. But most of all, I'm scared that if I love you. Then I'll find that one day, the   
fascination that you had over me will be gone, and that you never really loved me anyway...."  
He stood in shock. The anger still present, started to rise and convulse into passion, his lips   
started to quiver,   
Hands grasped hers whether in fury or passion was irrelevant. The crushing of his lips against   
hers frenzied a desire, deep down, locked behind her conscience and revived the taste of his   
lips, the smell of him, the feel of his hands searching her back...Her fingers made their way to   
his shirt. In need and impatient, they grabbed his shirt, buttons cascading onto the floor.  
His lips, hot and beating, made their way to her neck, nipping, touching, sensitive to her skin,   
his hands guided her to the wall nearest to them, trapping her against it. He wasn't near to   
letting her go. The veins in her neck shivered and remember the last time they'd waned each   
other like his.  
That's how they came to be in that situation.  
Aggression and heightened aggravation took them over, lips joined teeth, and nails included   
hands in the fight, his arms supported her legs which had leveled around his waist, the wall acted   
as balance for her upper back, not that it would have made a difference.  
With every thrust he made, her teeth bit harder on his neck, and her nails dug deeper into his back,   
causing him to arch at the pressure until they shivered coarsely in response.  
He balanced his weight between her and the wall.  
Silence ensued throughout.   
Communication was better served physical.  
  
  
Again. And alone.  
He sat up slowly, talking in the events, and the fact that yet again she'd left,   
Scared.  
Afraid.  
Not of him.  
Not even of herself.  
But of then.  
He thumped the bed angrily, revealing a crumpled note tucked between her pillow and his,   
just as she'd hoped he would find it.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Jack,  
You said once, that you couldn't say that you loved me, and that it hurt too much to do so.  
That it cut into you every time that you felt it, you meant it?  
Well,   
Here's the time to try it out...  
That's what need, Jack.  
I need you to say it.  
I hope that you can...  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
More Silence.  
Could he say it?  
Had he ever?  
Maybe that was the reason for there problems...  
He'd been too busy trying to remember that what they were doing was wrong, that completely   
missed reveling in what they had.  
And reminding her that she wasn't just some vague attempt at getting a rise once and a while....  
Well, hereaisle was his chance...  
He picked up the receiver by the bed.  
  
The beauty of a thing cannot be measured by how measured by how much you love it, but by   
how much you miss it when it's gone...  
  
Deciding that there was absolutely no food in her house, apart from an old bag of 'Cheetos' and   
Salsa dip, she found herself here.  
The supermarket.  
Shelves and shelves of crap.  
To waste away in, she supposed.  
She idly turned the corner, hoping that one day she'd reach the 'healthy choice' aisle, and picked   
something up that wasn't a ready meal.  
But hey, they weren't that bad...really.  
She picked up a sandwich.  
  
"Carter it's me. I uh thought about it...and I need you, Sam." He tried to keep an eye on the road and   
half of his brain around his heart. So that he could say it how it was. Properly.  
  
Chicken Salad. Sounded.... boring. Really boring.  
  
"I love you,"   
  
How about pastrami?? A little healthier maybe...  
She continued to walk, unimpressed by the selection of food choices available.  
  
"I want you."  
  
Why couldn't theaisley just make you a sandwich for you?  
One that was 100% percent minus additives and just good whole-American food.  
Like there was such a thing.  
  
"Wait. Stay there, I'm coming over." He dropped the receiver and darted for his keys. This was it?  
Maybe...  
  
Continuing to rummage in the ready-made food aisle, she turned to Chinese. Not healthy choice   
admittedly, but nonetheless, good food, and not too expensive.  
We'll that'd have to be a factor.  
Considering she hadn't rung him on her cell since she'd left. He'd pretty much either got the   
message and thought 'fuck it', gotten the message but forgotten to ring her, or not gotten the   
message at all.  
Undoubtedly she'd lost interest in caring.   
She loved him,   
But she NOW wasn't' prepared to wait.   
Especially if he didn't have the courage to at least tell her he loved her...  
So back to the food.  
  
"Yea you too Mister." He motioned to the driver in front of him.  
He wasn't in the mood to negotiate.   
Considering the that the woman he'd just openly admitted to loving wasn't picking up at home,   
he thought that he'd try telling her to her face.  
Otherwise and he knew it,  
He was going to lose her.  
And he wasn't' willing to lose that smile.  
Not for a million.  
He'd die before giving that up.  
  
  
That's what great meals are made of.  
Chinese, cheesecake and Wine.  
The best and oddest combination that she could find.  
Walking to the checkout, she placed her crate onto the conveyor belt and started to place the few   
contents onto it, reaching for her purse and smiling at the cashier. "Hi."   
"Would you like some help Ms?" The girl asked her.  
"No, I think I'll be okay." She replied, not helping the sarcasm in her voice.   
Still a bit of him left in me, she thought.  
That was only the half-truth.  
  
  
The traffic was starting to cause a crumble of his inner self.  
Why couldn't he just get there?  
What fate, pray tell, was holding him back???  
Because it was sure as hell pissing him off.  
He turned the corner of Fifth Avenue just by the bakery and the supermarket.  
He didn't see the truck in front of him swerve,  
And collide.  
  
  
The Loud bang outside alerted her from her daze.  
Not the cashier shouting at her for the money."  
"What the hell was that?" She asked before leaving her shopping, money and cashier in a quiet rage.  
Running outside to the gathering commotion,   
She didn't realize what had hit her.  
Or rather him.  
"Jack."  
Silence.  
  
  
Blood everywhere.  
And him.  
"Jack!"  
His head hung limp against the door as she opened it, trying not to cause him any more pain,   
And succeeding in blocking out everyone around them.  
Taking his head gently in her hands, she winced at the gash across his head, muddy from it's   
collision with the windscreen, deep red and bruised.  
"Jack? Come one, don't do this. JACK!!! WAKE UP!"  
His eyes fluttered. Almost commanding so,   
Only a little blurred and confused at her presence.  
"Carter?"  
"Colonel, just hold on.... okay?"  
"Always," he sighed, moving so that she could see the extent of damage.  
She propped him up as much as she could. Not wanting to see how much he was hurt.  
Not wanting to see the guy in the truck head-on.  
Was dead.  
Fear.  
That he'd lose it if he saw,  
Saw just how close he's come to it all.  
The driver's seat crushed welcomingly into the bonnet of the truck.  
It was hard to see where his car began and the other ended.  
Not that THAT was bothering.  
He kept coughing up blood, his eyes, almost bloodshot from the pain, she supposed.  
Neither said anything.  
Both in shock.  
Neither reveling.  
  
She couldn't help touching him.  
Like her love for him was revived, and in such bittersweet and soul tearing circumstances.  
"Jack? Come on. Just hold on." Her eyes had started to water at the pressure of it all.  
"I love you Carter," He barely whispered through coughs.  
Causing a dead-tingle in her nose as she flooded with tears.  
"I love you too. Come don't leave me like this."  
"Out of...all the places we've been. Earth got us." His voice became even more hoarse, more of   
a whisper.  
"No, don't say your goodbyes. Don't think you're going out like his." She held tighter to him as   
much as she could. The heaviness of his body, pushing pain into her legs, so much that she   
rested him on the back of his chair. Touching his face lightly watching the glinted shock rise   
every now and then in his eyes.  
As he drifted.  
Somewhere.  
And yet nowhere within her reach.  
"Jack stay with me." She mumbled, now it was her crumbling.  
"I love you Jack. I love you, you hear me. You hear me."  
He slumped lightly against her, her eyebrows and mouth twitching at the lingered breath that   
rested on his shoulder.  
She would howl for the pain. But her inner self stopped all.  
Silent screams.  
And him.  
  
She disallowed the sound of ambulance rings behind her.  
  
The greatest love, was always derived from the greatest loss...  
Like the books tell us...  
  
Shock.  
Loss.  
Pain.  
Thoughts.  
Stolen time.  
  
All of it lingering, refusing to leave.  
Refusing to accept.  
  
They all just sat in the Waiting room of the hospital.  
General Hammond,   
Janet and Cassie.  
And the two remaining members of Sg-1.  
  
Waiting for her.  
Who was waiting for him.  
A slumped barely recognizable figure folded around the door.  
  
"Sam?" Jonas was the first to stand up. Shocked, but trying to think of her more than anything.  
She dismissed him; raising her hand, and then letting it fall abruptly.  
  
The rest stood, unsure of whether to approach the shell of the woman that they knew.  
Not that is wasn't justified.  
  
Janet was the first to approach her completely.  
"Sam?" She needn't ask.  
She turned from Janet to the rest of her 'friends'.  
"At 10:33 hrs, Colonel died from a massive ceisure, brought on by massive injure to his head and   
blood loss."  
She managed to complete the sentence before dropping to the seat behind her.  
She couldn't even stand.  
  
Not now.  
Not ever.  
  
They didn't comfort her.  
Too shocked, too grief stricken.  
At the loss of a man, who conquered everyone with his charm.  
But own the woman he loved, just by being there...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
A Month Later.  
  
'Colonel Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neill  
A leader,  
A friend,  
A Warrior,  
A Father,  
And a Lover.  
  
He saved the worlds...  
  
We Love you.'  
  
She had read those words everyday, for the past Two weeks.  
They never lost their significance.  
Never lost their Power.  
She missed him still.  
She knew that she always would.  
Because she loved him.  
And that would never change.  
  
"I'm pregnant Jack," she whispered, wiping her hand on her sleeve. "Janet told me."  
  
"I wanted an abortion. Because I was scared, that I couldn't do it. But I miss you, and that baby   
might bring you back for a little while. In my mind, you know?"  
  
She laughed at her own excuse. Not a happy one.  
More dry and grating. Reflective by the over-whelmed loss.  
  
"Selfish huh? I miss you, a lot."  
  
She knelt down picking up one of the bunch of flowers lying next to the stone and placing the daisy   
in the small metal vase.  
  
"I kept as much of stuff that I could. I gave the pictures of you and Charlie to Sarah, but I kept one.   
Just to show my children. You know, when they grow up."  
She sighed once more.  
  
Nothing appeared.  
Nothing spoke out to her.  
And it hurt,   
To think of him, rotting beneath her.  
Ceasing to exist.  
  
Like usual.  
Not a surprise,  
Her wanting him.  
And him, making an exit.  
  
"Love you."   
  
The greatest love...can sink you into depression.  
If you lose the man you love...  
Because you can't think,  
Feel,  
Touch,  
WANT,  
Anything but him for a while,  
But it does get easier...I promise...  
  
Likey?   
No Likey?  
FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEd MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  
I need the advice; I dish out too much to other people,   
  
Athena :)please NO sequel, got too much to write :) 


End file.
